jseyfer

Hi.

So, here you are doing an AMA and no customers yet. It’s always awkward when that happens. I’ll be on here and some kid who just floated here on a raft from Cuba throws up an AMA and it’s crickets. So almost out of a sense of duty, I’ll ask him if he’s ever tried a Three Musketeer’s Bar or something to get the conversation going.

I’ve been married for 22 years to the woman I love so sex isn’t a problem for me. We just stopped doing it a few years ago. Easy. One thing off both of our lists, right?

So... ahem... Want to say a little something about yourself? It’s an interesting line of work. Does one’s sense of intuition work on other areas in life? Can intuition be honed? What I mean is- is it possible to increase your sense of intuition or are we stuck with the intuition we’re born with?

Are those even good questions? I have no idea. If that’s dumb we can switch to something else if you’d prefer.

Have you ever tried a Three Musketeer’s Bar? 😶

No. We both just lost interest.

She’s 12 years older than I am and isn’t in the best of health. She’s on medication that lowers her libido. She used to occasionally want sex but had a really hard time reaching orgasm.

So, one Saturday afternoon, I’m watching the ball game while she was resting in the bedroom. A commercial came on for Subway and I realized I was starving. I get up to go make a sandwich when she calls out. I go in the bedroom and she tells me she’d like to try. My stomach growls in protest- but what can I say?

So I jump in bed and we spend the next 6-8 minutes getting our foreplay on and I climb aboard. It had been around 2 months since this golden opportunity had last come my way- so you pretty much could have used my performance to time a soft boiled egg.

But now it’s her turn. So I grab her rabbit and start working her up with that, and she’d get close to orgasm but then she’d lose it. We had a stronger vibrator in the drawer but it needed batteries.

“I’ll be right back. Keep thinking about George Clooney or whoever it is you do when we’re at this.”

I go downstairs and rummage through the kitchen drawer where we keep the spare batteries. I get the ones I need and stop: we’d just gotten a nice, fat rotisserie chicken at Sam’s Club the night before, so I break off a leg and run back upstairs.

Clenching the drumstick between my teeth, I insert the fresh batteries and hand her the thrumming device.

She’s got her eyes closed.

This chicken is fucking amazing!

Eyes closed tight in fierce concentration. Moaning.

“You’re doin’ great, Honey! Don’t look at me. Just keep doing your thing!”

She stops. Eyes still closed: “Are you eating?!?

“Um... what?”

“Why do I smell chicken?”

“I’m sorry. It’s just a snack. Don’t mind me. I’m with you, Sexy Girl. Work that thang! Whoo-whoo!”

“You’re EATING???”

“Don’t look! I’m not proud of this!”

“I don’t believe you! My God, John!”

“Whaaat? I’m starving! What about my needs, Baby?!?”

And as it happened, that was the last time we did it. Everything is fine between us except we don’t do that.

Weird or semi-normal? I’m 55 and she’s 67.

Thank you. But I didn’t mean to ‘jack this lady’s post. This is honestly how our lives have gone. We’re best buds, but with her problem, sex became too much like work. I mean- you ever try fingering somebody for 45 minutes? It’s insane! You’re working it and working it and she gets close- and soon as you think the agony is about to end she tells me I “Lost it”.

“Whaaat? Whaddya’ mean? We were doing good!”

“No. You moved.”

(Wiping hand off on curtain next to bed)

“I didn’t move! Don’t tell me I moved! That... thing of yours- it has a mind of its own! You’re the only woman I’ve ever met who’s got a traveling clitoris!”

“Aggghh! So frustrating! I was SO close!”

“Nice. Now I’ve got carpel tunnel and a guilt complex!”

What? Should I have just gone for a banana? Probably, right?

I agree. Had she allowed me to finish my leg, who knows where the night could have taken us? I’m sure I could have worked myself up to giving her another go- or possibly, you know- ordered in Chinese. But with her lousy attitude and all...