IAmA Father who recently lost his 17 yr old redditor son downey92.

http://sam-downey.gonetoosoon.org/

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Because this is an IAmA:

What are you doing with his online presence? Facebook page, Reddit profile, whatever? Leaving it up so you can remember him as he was, or taking it down?

I actually have a bash script that I told my friend to run in the event of my death. It updates/submits stuff to all the sites I frequent to let people know of my death. And it also updates my facebook status every other day to "Still dead lol".

EDIT: For those of you asking for the script, I'll upload it later tonight when I get home. It will have to be customized for your own purposes (unless you all want topics created on spearfishing messaging boards too), but it shouldn't be that hard.

DOUBLEDIT: I want to see if I can mess with it to use the facebook's "check-in" feature to check in from the cemetery

funny, but inappropriate for here.

no that's fine, Sam would have laughed

We've left all his online, and real, stuff much as he left it, it helps to go to his facebook page occasionally and i can't bring myself to delete it anyway, it just seems wrong.

I'm never going to think about killing myself again after reading that note you wrote to him.

Do not. Clearly I don't know you, but I'm sure there are people who Love you and would definitely not understand.

When I submitted this I thought it might get a few viewings and comments but I'm stunned by the outpouring of affection. Sam would have been stunned, and probably a little embarrassed, to read this. Thank you all for your kind words and tributes on this and the gonetoosoon site. If this has achieved anything, I hope it's to make people appreciate their loved ones just a little more, don't take the time you have together for granted.

Thanks for letting us know, and we're deeply sorry for his passing. I'm adding a link in the /r/obits subreddit.

Thanks, didn't know that sub was there.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtube_gdata_player&v=Qj54ge2ahwg

The Make a Wish foundation arranged this for Sam, a few days later he was gone.

How are you and your family holding up?

We are doing ok, working to numb the pain, trying not to drink too much.

[deleted]

Thanks I had a quick scan through his page, he wasn't a prolific contributor but he loved reading this stuff.

His first comment was to a post on Gonewild. He sounds like a prolific badass to me.

Hmmm! I know.

I'm sorry for your loss. I'd love to donate to a charity in his honor, please let me know of a charity or foundation that would best honor him.

The make a wish foundation do great things, but any teenage cancer charity would appreciate the help, thanks.

Is there anything we could do for his sister? If it was a 'real life' friend of mine, we'd all have a whip round and look after her with some kind of treat or day out so she could be a kid again, even for a few hours.

If that sounds like something you'd like the reddit community to do, please let us know. Equally, no problem if you'd rather the focus went on charities or even nothing at all.

Thanks that's kind but she'd be mortified if she thought I was organising something for her, cancer charities will always be in need though.

Well, I'm in New England and the The Jimmy Fund is our regional foundation that helps kids and families dealing with cancer, in association with the Dana Farber.

I'll try to find the equivalent in the UK. If there's anything that pops into your mind, feel free to let me know.

http://www.teenagecancertrust.org/

My first boyfriend had non hodgkin's lymphoma, and the work that The Teenage Cancer Trust does is just fabulous. What helped him most was being moved to one of their funded centre's whilst he was in treatment. Before that, the hospital didn't know what to do with him, he was on the kid's ward with 4 year olds or on a normal ward where the average age is about 60. When he was moved he had friends his own age, who we hung out with, played computer games with, could talk to etc. Most importantly, he could speak about his worries that he'd be left infertile and so on. No other 17 year old thinks about that, at that ward he found people who he could relate with.

This......Am I doing that right? Sam was in a TCT Ward at Birmingham and the facilities are fantastic. They Make the kids feel special.

I am sorry to hear about your loss.

I am unsure if a bone marrow transplant would have helped Sam or not, but I'd like to encourage all of you benevolent redditors to sign up for the bone marrow registry and maybe help save the life of a child or person suffering from leukemia or another debilitating disease. There was a big post by a guy who donated so I know a lot of you know already.

Be the Match

Sam had a transplant, from an anonymous donor in germany, but relapsed within 5 months and his doctors said it was too soon and his system was too weak to tolerate another. I heartily endorse your appeal for donors

Your kid is the coolest looking ginger I have ever seen. Next to that car? Badass...

I'm truly sorry for your and your family's loss.

yeah, he was cool.

do you think we could give him a special trophy to honor him? I think it would be a nice gesture from the Reddit community to honor those who no longer comment among us. (I mean this in the best of ways, I apologize if anyone finds this offensive)

Edit: changed "badge" to "trophy"

What sort of badge? I'm fairly new here.

I find it absolutely mental that in this day and age, with all the technological, scientific, and medical advances we've made, that 17 year olds have to die from cancer/leukemia.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Sam's Leukemia was very complicated but we thought he'd beaten it, we only had 5 weeks from relapse to the end. The medical staff were brilliant from start to finish apart from one doctor at the end.

Why? What did that doctor do?

she made Sam's mum feel bad for crying and told her to pull herself together! it was all I could do to stop myself from getting in her face, the nurses took her away and got another doctor. We have written to the hospital to complain about her attitude.

My deepest and most sincere condolences go out to your and your family for your loss. As a father who lost a 3.5 yo daughter to cancer (rhabdomyosarcoma), i have some understanding of your loss. As hard as that was to watch my kid go through, I always thought it would be harder for the parents of older terminal kids, as there is no getting around the death conversation (something i never had to have with my young daughter). Trying to have the death conversation with her older brother was a distinct turning point in his life at 5 yo (in the same year he found out there was no santa, and really bad random shit can happen to anyone at anytime).

How did you make out being able to address the life/death thing with your boy and his siblings?

btw, the first year is brutal, then after than it gets a little easier but their presence never goes away, its hard to find the fine line between holding them in a place of happiness in your heart, and sobbing from the memories. I myself cut people way more slack now as you never know if the sad/sour people you run into each day haven't just been kicked in the balls by life.

Thanks for doing the IAmA, that was brave of you.

When we found out the Leukemia had returned and the prognosis was terminal we didn't know how we were going to tell him. The Doctors told us it was their job to tell him, so we let them, may sound cowardly but I just don't know if I could have done it. As it was when they told him we managed to keep it together for him and it was a relief if that doesn't sound too odd.

One of my co-workers told me today that the doctors have given his son about three more months to live. His son is ten, and have lived with leukaemia for about three years. I have no idea how to tell him, or you, how sorry I am. My deepest condolences. If you have any advice on how to show support and how to be there without being in the way, I'd be glad to hear it.

No-one knows what to say because there is nothing you can say. just being there is enough, your friends know you're there. If they are at all like me they will appreciate that you are concerned enough to worry about getting it wrong.

"teaching us all a lesson about what's important in life" I'm sure we all probably know what these lessons are but forget them too often. I'd be honoured if you'd remind me and the redditors here one of the things your son taught you about life. Nobody should lose a son or daughter- it goes against nature. Look after yourself and your family through this time. So sorry for your loss.

Through Sam's whole demeanour and attitude throughout his treatment from going to have his sperm frozen early on in his treatment, to finding out that he was dying and there was nothing they could do, I learned that whatever happens you have to just get on with it and make the very most of what you have. life dealt Sam a really shitty hand but he played the cards he had like a pro.

I am very sorry for your loss.

I can't help but ask what the frozen sperm are for, though...

oh, wait. Because irradiation will kill his gonads, won't it. :( I'm sorry...

Leaving this up here as an FYI for others

Yes, they have been destroyed now too, it was insurance for when he got better and wanted to reproduce later on.

Condolences. Since this is an AMA and I get the impression Sam liked cars, what were some of his favorite cars?

Definitely the veyron was top of his list but he had a soft spot for Aston Martin and Lamborghini, got to drive both of those on a track day a couple of weeks before. he was very impressed with the ferrari enzo too.

I don't know what to ask.... I am terribly sorry for your loss...

How can I be a better son maybe?

Tell people that you love them, I'm so glad that Sam said, and Hannah says it to me all the time.

Holy shit did your son have a Veyron? Hey at least he went out in bat shit insane style and speed, that's exactly how I'd want to go. Sorry for your loss man.

He got to "play" with a Veyron for a couple of hours, he was beside himself, he knew at that point that his time was very short and he was in some considerable pain but it didn't stop him enjoying the day.

I realize that your son is gone however are you planning on sticking around and lurking or contributing to reddit?

probably won't contribute very much but certainly browse, the humour is very much my style, like father like son.

I am not one for hate, but GOD I hate cancer. I have lost 2 brothers to this, one with a rare form of liver cancer, the other to lung cancer. Both fought long and hard but lost in the end. I'm very, very sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to lose a child.

I understand how you feel but I have a dislike of the "fight" analogy, it implies that the person with cancer just didn't try hard enough which is clearly nonsense. Sam couldn't have done anymore or put himself through any more treatment and it wasn't a case of "losing a fight" Obviously I don't mean to denigrate what you or your brothers have been through it's just the wrong analogy for me.

When I submitted this I thought it might get a few viewings and comments but I'm stunned by the outpouring of affection. Sam would have been stunned, and probably a little embarrassed, to read this. Thank you all for your kind words and tributes on this and the gonetoosoon site. If this has achieved anything, I hope it's to make people appreciate their loved ones just a little more, don't take the time you have together for granted.

I apologize if this is a rude thing to ask, but what was he like?

Not rude but a difficult one to answer, he was a "normal" 17 year old kid, moody, petulant, funny, loving, geeky, pretend bully to his little sister, all the things normal teenagers are.