It's Nick Swardson, my penis smells great today! AMA

When are you going to write another movie? Grandma's boy will forever remain a classic you sick son of a bitch!

Been focusing on TV for while. With the director of Grandma's Boy. Sold a new movie pitch but TV is the goal right now. Developing with Danny McBRide

Why were you robbed of an oscar for your role as the guy that eats sunblock in Benchwarmers?? I demand answers!!!

We're still talking to the Academy about it. Streep said she'd give me one of hers.

Who was the consistently funniest person on the Reno 911 set?

Tough call. Such a great cast. Tom and Kerry were insane.

I love gay robot and wish we could have robot babies, although I am a dude so maybe me and gay robot will have to adopt. Do we have your blessing?

Bless you

I'm going to Vegas next month. What do I need to do while I'm there? I've been before, but you seem like an expert. I'll only be there for one night, so I have the make the most of it.

Go to the library.

That must be a new strip club, I'm adding it to my schedule

Mirage is where I perform so I love it there but Encore at the Wynn is dope. XS is the best club and go see my boy Carrot Top! He's the best. I always go.

Hi Nick! I'm looking forward to the new stand-up special. If Tom Lennon and Ben Garrant ever bring back Reno 911! would you be up for playing Terry again?

I would be a fatter version of Terry but still wicked gay so yeah.

Were you shocked when critics panned Bucky Larson? Were you happy with the final cut of the film?

I love that movie. Not shocked. Haha. They were ready to hate it. Everyone was. People need to hate on stuff to feel like they have a voice. That movie is one of my favs. Love the people that saw it in the theaters.

Love the people that saw it in the theaters.

Those poor souls.

Bashing Bucky Larson. Wow. Really original. Congrats.

What's your take on cats and ukuleles?

both get me hard

When you play video games do you play with other actor friends? Can you tell us who you play with?

Will Arnett

"the zoo? ah fuck that. I'm not fuckin going to the zoo. what are you gay?" "where's my doctor dre CD? has anybody seen my Dre CD?"

Old school Swardson. Boom. Diarrhea.

Hello sir! Who are your comedy influences?

Steve Martin, Woody Allen, Abe Lincoln.

We randomly got drunk at Barney's Beanery together - among plenty of other people there - one night last year during the NBA (Mavs/Spurs) & NHL (Minnesota/Chicago?) playoffs. I was the drunk Mavs fan.

Just saying thanks for the crazy encounter.

Yeah buddy. Minnesota Wild :-(

How's Wheelchair Cat doing?

He died of gonnorhea

Is there anything you won't joke about?

I'm not a shock value guy. I think of dark horrible jokes but don't want to put them out there. I don't joke about horrible event tragedies. That's just me.

How many takes did it take when Nealon was yelling "did you eat one of my Grapes!?" That's one of the funniest scenes ever haha

Sobbed laughing. Nealon and I couldn't handle it.

What's the tastiest thing you've ever put in your mouth?

Betty white's pubes

Are you a Brian Regan fan?

HUGE. He's great. One of the all time greats.

Nick, huge fan. I've watched 'Seriously, who farted?' More than any comedy special.

Do you have any tips for an aspiring comedian with debilitating stage fright?

Don't have stage fright. Nothing is going to happen to you on stage. The audience wants to like you. If you get freaked out imagine being a young kid getting drafted to the Vietnam War and then realize "I think I'll survive a boo".

You still playing COD these days, or something new?

Nothing right now. Been out of town a bunch. Stoked for E3 though in June.

Fellow Minnesotan here, gotta ask

What's your favorite place to eat in the twin Cities?

112 Eatery

What was your favorite part of working with Josh homme on portlandia?

Dude is the man! Love Josh. Really down to earth guy. My fav part was when we cuddled and exchanged butt darts.

Nick! I really hope you see this! I'm from Minnesota and I love almost all things Minnesotan including those from here who rep it. Unfortunately I can't recall ever hearing you mention it. So my question is how do you feel about your Minnesota up bringing?

Best ever. Love Minnesota. No other place I'd rather grow up. Except obviously Hawaii….and the Bahamas….and Miami, Chicago, New York and LA……and San Diego. San Fran and Seattle. But that's it. And Vegas.

Hello Nick, thanks for answering questions! I'm a big fan of 30 minutes or less and you were absolutely hysterical in that film along with the rest of the cast. I was just wondering what it was like to work on set and why Danny McBride hates Jumper by Third Eye Blind? Also can't wait to watch the new special!

30 Mins was great. Danny became a very close friend after that movie. Love that dude. Insanely talented. That movie is underrated.

Nick, how the fuck did you think of "masturbating sniper"?

Also, the skit (pretend time?) where you are masturbating in public, inside a bubble hidden beneath your clothing, with the artificial limbs, is absurdly hilarious.

The director Tom wrote that sketch. Fucking insane. Haha.

Favorite jelly: grape or strawberry?

rasberry

Swardson big fan have you thought about doing a podcast? You killed it on Bill Burr's and Norm McDonald's.

Thought about it but it's easier to just do my friends ones

Hi Nick! Thanks for doing this AMA you are by far one of my favorite comedians.

What is your most favorite skit you've ever been in?

My favorite skit of yours has to be in Reno 911, you left me crying!

I loved my show Pretend Time.

What movie have you done that you think is underrated? For instance, my favorite movie that you did was Bucky Larson.

same. That and 30 Minutes or Less.

Nick! When you have a group of comedy pals, are you constantly trying to laugh/make each other laugh or do you need that time to not be "on"?

We're usually pretty mellow. It's nice to be normal. Other people want you to be funny.

How can you possibly smell your own penis if it's in Adam Sandler's mouth?

Through his ears.

Which show would you want to have a cameo in? It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Workaholics or The League?

All of them are great and I'm buds with all those dudes. I'd do either.

Nick, how should I invest my hard earned money?

Cannon balls. They've got to make a come back at some point.

Hey Nick, if you could go to a strip club with any politician, who would it be?

Barney Frank

How's it going? Big fan here. What's your most interesting story from your high school days? #beepbeepsweep

I have a ton. I was a loose cannon. Shocker. Expelled 4 times. No joke.

Do you still rollerblade and/or sell your body on your free time?

Always will. Always.

I listened to you on Comedy Bang Bang's Podcast this morning while I ate away my hangover with frozen mini waffles. When Scott was admiring your outfit at the beginning and commented on your watch, was it an actual watch? Or just your penis draped over your wrist?

It was a watch. Rolex DateJust, blue face. Fresh.

Favorite ice cream flavor?

I'm allergic to dairy but I'd have to say 'State Fair Oyster Food Poisoning Diarrhea' flavor

If you could go back and re-do one role, not because you want to do it better but because you enjoyed the experience, what would it be?

Just Go With It

So when are you gonna come do a show in Duluth? Also did you ever get CB Radio for your car bed?

Maybe this summer I'll cruise up there. What's a good venue to perform?

How do you think Teddy and the boys are gunna fair this year? Think we can grace the playoffs again? Teddy seems like the Real Deal. Skol Vikings!

I put a hundred on them in Vegas. Haha. We're gold.

Who fuckin farted?

you

Do you plan on coming to the Massachusetts area like Boston again for another tour any time soon?

I'll always go to Boston. Not touring right now though.

What is your favorite thing in the world to do?

If you could be any age forever what age would you pick?

Will the beep beep sweep really clean up food poisoning diarrhea from oysters?

Ps you're my favorite still. BEEP BEEP!

Put stuff in my butt. 98 yeah Love you

Would you rather have legs that are paralyzed or have no legs at all?

Paralyzed obv. Duh.

What city should I visit to increase my chances of having a beer w u/realnickswardson ?

Anywhere in Peru

Would you rather have sex with Ricky Rubio or Nikola Pekovic?

Pekovic. Bet that dude has a hammer.

Nick, I've yet to come up with a roller derby name for myself, but I want it to be a Terry Bernadino pun. Can I get some help?

Harry PoopyPeno

Who's your favorite pornstar and why?

Gary

Nick when you coming to Portland? Big fan. youre the first comedian I remember laughing to the point of tears at

Edit and fuck the vikings!

Love Portland. Be back on my next tour

Hey! Big fan and all that shit. I'm pretty sure i knew some of your family in my home city of Albuquerque! How often do you visit? If you don't have family there, and that Swardson lied to me, i don't have much to ask. Have you fucked a burrito? would you recommend it?

I do have family there. I never go though. Haha. They just tell me not to.

Will weed eventually destroy my family if i keep smoking it?

Probably. Eat it or put it in your butt in front of your family on Christmas morning.

Is there a certain movie you wish that you had been a part of? Or a movie you had a chance to be a part in but turned it down and later regretted it?

I'll never forget turning down Julia Roberts role in Pretty Woman.

How was it working with Paul Reubens? A part of me thinks he always acts like Pee Wee.

Epic. I was floored when they said he was going to be my dad. I loved that show growing up. He's a beautiful person. Sends me a Christmas card every year.

You sir to me are the funniest person ever ... Quick question , Mexican food or Chinese food? And what was your favorite part about having your own show on Comedy Central , any cons?

Chinese. I liked having creative control. And the cons are no bathrooms.

With today's outrage culture is there anything you wont make fun of?

Its' not my place or style. There are way better comedians that do that stuff.

What's your favorite strain of diarrhea?

Dick sweat

Is the award winning Fantasy Football Uncensored getting a 2nd season?

I don't know. Good question. Love those people.

If you had to kill one, fuck one and marry one; Mayweather, your mom and Mark Zuckerburg?

What would you choose?

I'd fuck all three.

Saw you here in Maui, stomach still hurts! Did you really go out surfing or was that the skit? If yes, who was the pro?

My buddy Danny Fuller. True story. Love surfing even though I'm awful at it. Like butt darts.

Is Tom Brady innocent?

Yes. FUCK HE'S HOT!!!!!! So yeah.

Would you rather be a ghost or a robot and why?

Robot cause they can fight and fuck and shit and cum and fun stuff like that. Albeit metal shit and oil jizz

Is there anywhere you want to perform but haven't yet?

Europe or Australia.

Hey Nick, thanks for the AMA! Enjoyed seeing you in Michael's movie Back in the Day! Always enjoy your work, looking forward to getting you in Sacramento sometime! What was it like working with everyone on the Back in the Day set? What projects can we look forward to in the future?

They were a great cast. We shot in Indiana which was weird. But awesome people.

Hey Nick I'm a huge fan and I'm really excited you are doing this AMA! I just have one question, on a scale of 1-2 what does your penis smell like today?

It smells like a summer breeze of strawberries on the fields of Nebraska.

If you had to marry a tropical fruit, what would it be?

A pineapple with a black dick.

Nick, me and my buddy Colin are your biggest fans. From Reno, to Grandmas Boy, to all of your other roles (Zohan, B. Lars, Just go with it). We quote your Party standup constantly, no matter how old it is. I especially love your bits on wheel of fortune and winning a wolf. I cried laughing listening to that the first time. Tears. Beautiful tears.

We cannot wait for your new stand up. My only question for you is - I know you are a big Minn Sports fan. If you had to pick one team to be able to go to every game: who would it be?

Vikings. Twins would be an INSANE amount of baseball. Too much.

I think this AMA is about farting?

Possibly.

My brother's name is nick. Are you my brother?

Looks like it. Hello brother. I miss you.

Hey Nick, what should I get my wife for her birthday?

A weed snowman

Any particular reason why you sound incredibly queer no matter show/movie you're in?

I don't know. Might be the fact that I'm into hardcore gay sex.

Which city is your favorite city to party in?

LA. I love it here. Chicago and San Diego too

Snoop Dogg vs. Nick Swardson, who wins?

Snoop.

Can we expect to some more TV from you? By the way, my son got to see you in Eugene, Oregon and he hasn't been the same since. You are the only comedian that I would let corrupt my kid. My whole family loves you.

Ha. Love you. Working on more TV stuff. Gotta epic show in development.