IamA swingers club owner and in an open marriage AMA!

My female cousin and I pretend to be married(same last name) to get into swinger clubs and parties so we can fuck married people. Why is this frowned upon and why do you hate me?

Edit: I have never fucked my cousin. For the record.

We encourage honesty first and foremost...this is why it is frowned upon. To come in pretending you are couple on a Saturday night is trying to get around our policies. If you want to come in and fuck married people we suggest you come in as singles on a Friday night instead of trying to get in for a cheaper price pretending to be a couple.

are your patrons mostly older than 40, and overweight, with 70s style body hair? just my impressions of swingers from documentaries and porn.

LOL. ahhhh...no. our members range in age from 21-50's...most are in their 30's and 40's and very diverse

Do you have any children? If yes how do explain to them what you do to make money?!

Yes, we do. We are open and honest with them about our business.

Nice. I bet their sweet sixteens are gonna be awesome ;D

I should point out that all of our children are adults. Being in this business has in my opinion given our children the benefit of knowing that they have options when it comes to relationships, it has afforded us the opportunity to discuss with them the importance of communication and honesty in a relationship and that adult relationships do not have to follow just one set of guidelines.

Hi, could you explain the massive price difference in admission fees for single men and single women please, and why single men are barred on a saturday night?

Our clubs, and most clubs, are geared towards couples. There are some couples that enjoy partying with single men so we welcome them on other nights. We set aside Saturday for couples only so that they can enjoy the time without the distraction of single men. The price difference is to help control the ratio...if there were 4o single men and 20 couples it would drive couples away...which defeats the purpose of the clubs.

I could be wrong, but my guess is that single people are charged more because a single person throws off the ratio of men to women, which can be a negative.

true

Is jealousy a common problem? It seems like couples may not like to see in real life what they fantasize about. It's one thing to think about having a threesome or trading partners, but quite another to see your SO getting pleased (maybe more) by someone who is not you.

Part of the joy of being in a relationship that fosters openness, trust, honesty, etc...is that you have the opportunity to work together through communication any issues that may arise. Jealousy is definitely not outside the realm of issues that a swinging couple may have to face. You are right, sometimes what you think might "turn you on" in fantasy may actually not in reality. But I think unlike a monogamous traditional couple a swinging couple allows these issues as opportunities to grow and become closer...to experience things that enhance the relationship. If they try something they don't like, they try something else! Remember this is your relationship...do what works for each other!

I suppose I am just curious why if you and your spouse are all about free loving and openly having sex with others, why be married? What's the point in having a significant relationship if that's not really what you stand for?

Who said that's not what we stand for?! I am absolutely committed to my spouse. The sex we have with others is something we do together! For us, those experiences enhance our relationship with each other. Having sex with someone other then my husband doesn't take away any love or lessen any love that I have for my husband...actually I find it increases that love and vice versa.

Hey there. How long have you been a swinger/in an open relationship, and when did you realize this was the lifestyle for you?

How many people are a part of your club? Do you participate in your clubs activities?

I have always been open-minded about sex...I didn't label myself as anything. There is such a misconception about what being a 'swinger' is. We are very selective and go long periods of time with having sex only with each other. Sometimes just talking about our past experiences gets both of us turned on. We have been in an open relationship for 2 1/2 years. It started off that way because we were in different towns and it was a turn on for us to be with other people and then talk about it to each other. It's a process for us though. We have times where we have to sit down and talk about uncomfortable feelings that come up...reassure each other and then maybe take a step back. It has really fostered good communication between the 2 of us. We don't normally play at our clubs...the clubs are our livelihood and it's important to us that they are run like a business. We strive to provide a welcoming environment to our members..where they can feel safe in exploring their fantasies. We have plenty of opportunity to play when we travel or are at home. :) We have been in this business for 16 years...thousands and thousands of members...some still around...some not. Our clubs stay consistently busy and are growing.

I see that you have been in a relationship for at least 16 years, but only in an open relationship for 2 1/2. What was it like before the relationship changed, and were you both solely faithful to one another before this?

Let me rephrase that...I have been in the swinger club business for 16 years...Jackie and I have been together for 2 1/2 years. We've known each other since high school. In each of our past long term relationships we were faithful. I had been in some relationships where swinging was a part of it and others where it was not. Our relationship has been very open since the very beginning. I'm not exactly sure why...I suppose since the topic of swinging is going to come up pretty early on since I own swingers clubs. We decided to try it while we were in different cities. I know Jackie had some fears that I would freak out, but she soon found out otherwise. When she told me that she was going on a date with someone else and heard my reaction on the phone...I was soooooooooo turned on and excited...she realized it was going to be ok. We talked about it afterwards and I reassured her that I really enjoyed it...that I love her very much and that I didn't think bad of her...on the contrary I felt it took so much courage to do that not knowing for sure how I would react. Since that time we have had other experiences and our love continues to grow!!

How often are your single female clients really just professionals trying to drum up business?

We rarely see prostitution in the club. The minute a member notices that it is going on they tell management and the girl is escorted out of the club and her membership is revoked. It is frowned upon in the lifestyle and not tolerated at our clubs.

How could you support swinging but not prostitution?

Swinging and prostitution are not related. I didn't say I don't support a girl that makes a living that way...I don't support her soliciting for sex in our clubs. I also don't support drug use in the clubs or anything else that is illegal.

As far as participation at the club goes, do you have specific policies on disclosures of STIs? If so, what?

Do regular night clubs have policies on STI's? Do hotels? I've picked up a girl or 2 in Target and have never been told their policy on STI's. It's up to us as adults to police ourselves when it comes to that. The people that come to our club are adults and it's up to them to communicate and take precautions when they choose to have sex with someone else. If it's something that's important to you then you should ask the person you are getting ready to have sex with. We encourage everyone to practice safe sex, but it ultimately comes down to the individual.

I get what you're saying, but I do not think your club is analogous to Target... Sex is at the forefront of what you're selling. I actually think that /u/badraspberry is asking a very reasonable question given your line of business

I agree. It is a good question and pertinent. I was making a lame attempt at being funny about target. :)

I was just curious. :) I have never been to a club like yours so I thought it might be a bit different in that respect.

It is a very important question and we appreciate you asking it.

Would you say a swingers club is a good place for a single guy to go, to meet a cute MF couple who might be interested in a 3rd person to join their sandwitch?

Or are there "just so many single dudes" that its so unlikely to happen and im better off meeting people elsewhere?

I would say it's a great place to go to meet couples. In our Dallas club on a Friday night the single guys make up less than 10% of the patrons so pretty good ratio. And as Mindlayr says...try to stand out. Having good manners and being a gentlemen is never a bad idea.

I see you're in a open marriage yourself, do you notice any patrons who have a lack of confidence to fully participate?

there aren't any requirements as far as full participation when you attend a 'swingers' club. Many people come that are just curious.

Did you have to 'learn' to not be jealous? Even random dudes dancing with my girl infuriates me, even though I know she's still coming home with me.

Yes, I think it is learned or practiced. Look at where the jealousy is coming from. Look at the fears associated with it. Is it a fear of 'losing' her? my insecurity? I am truly in love with my wife and to see her smile makes me happy. If she is enjoying herself dancing with someone else why would I want to stop her from having a good time? Some men don't even let their wives use a vibrator. Why not? it's bringing her pleasure...isn't that what we want ? for our loved ones to be happy? For me...to have let go of the fears has been so freeing. The feelings of jealousy and anger and resentment are so negative...I don't like how they make me feel. I much prefer love. To see her smile and say to me 'thanks for loving me with an open hand' makes me love her even more. It can be challenging, but it's so worth it. Even if you don't become 'swingers'...to be free of the burden of jealousy can be incredible.

Hi. I'd like to know how you would deal with having a professional job and fear of being known as what you do ?

Unfortunately I see quite a few singles and couples that have to keep their "lifestyle" secret due to fear of losing a job. My definition of "swinging" is one that fosters honesty, communication, and no cheating allowed! It is sad that the swinging lifestyle has to be hidden, yet our society views cheating monogamous couples as almost an expected way of life. This is another reason why it is so important to me to get the word out that swingers are actually people who care very deeply about not only the relationship but the foundation needed to sustain it.

I'm a single guy who has thought about visiting one of these clubs but has never been involved in the swingers lifestyle, just always thought about trying it out (I am friends with a couple in my area who go as well, but I feel like it would be awkward if I showed up to one of theirs). What are some tips about finding the right place to start? Any major do's and don'ts when I get there?

There are lots of couples out there looking for 3somes with guys (MFM). A good place to start would be online on one of the many adult social dating sites or by going to a 'swingers' club. Just remember to always be a gentleman and have good manners. Wait until she asks before sending a cock pic. Engage her AND him in the conversation. We have a video series on that topic...you can find it at http://coletteclubs.com/threesome/

I'm a 24 year old man and want to shag a women 40+. Would a club like this be a good place to do that?

Yes it would be. Many clubs allow single men on certain nights where they might meet a couple or a single women to hook up with.

How do you explain to your friends and families what you do for a living (your own parents, her parents, aunts, uncles)?

What were the biggest challenges you and your wife had to overcome with this business? Or just in life in general.

Is there anything you regret doing/ not doing?

I myself grew up in a "normal" (as if such thing would exist) christian family and things like loyalty, honesty, passion and mercy are very important to me as a result of that. I try to stay open minded to how others live their lifes and what effect their lifestyle has to themselves and their relationship :) I wish you and your family a great day and, well, have fun :)

I tell people that are curious that we own private social clubs for sexually open minded or curious couples. If they want more details...which they always do...I tell them more. It's basically just a nightclub where people can hook up if they want. The only person I didn't really give much detail to was my grandma...my mom told me that she would have a heart attack if I told her.

It can be challenging finding new locations that are suitable. We also deal with the normal challenges of opening and running a business. The hours can be rough sometimes...getting up at 7am...working all day and then at the club until 2 or 3.

I have no regrets in life...I love life and learn from my experiences.

All of those values are important to us as well and we practice them in our lives everyday. Thank you very much for your questions...

So... say I'm a 25 year old girl that desperately wants to be gangbanged.

Is this common? What are your tips about setting this up in a club?

I know of many women that fantasize about being gang banged. Clubs that allow single men are a good place to experience it. It doesn't take much to set it up. Go into an open room with a couple of guys, don't close the door and before you know it there will be men in line watching...let them know it's ok to join in and before you know it your fantasy will be reality!

We've been to your Dallas location a few times now and it was so welcoming, open, clean and fun! In fact it was our first (and by far favorite) experience so far. Thank you for keeping your club nice - not all owners seem to care as much. We're planning on being at the Halloween party again this year - it's such a blast!

Now a question: How much hassle do you guys face from local government and whatnot about being an adult-oriented business? I know you have a lot of gentleman's clubs in the area, but do you notice extra scrutiny just because you're a swingers club?

Thanks for the compliments!!

Over the years in other markets clubs have been scrutinized, but I am seeing it become more and more acceptable. In New Orleans this summer we took part in a police escorted swingers parade. Today we can rent a cruise ship, fill it up with 1500 open minded couples, lay by the pool naked and have sex in the 50 bed play room...10 years ago this would never have happened. We are hopeful that times will continue to change and people won't be harassed or scrutinized because they are more sexually open minded than others.

It's interesting to me that you don't seem to discern between Polyamory and "swinging." I've always seen these as distinctive.

My experiences with swingers has been that it's focused around consensual, fulfilling but mainly sexual gratification for one or both members of an otherwise comitted, emotionally-monogamous couple while Polyamory is more about perusing multiple loving relationships.

I find it necessary to make this distinction because poly is better equipped to handle things like jealousy and other people's feelings while the swinger's crowd can often be rife with narcissism, brutally irresponsible hedonism and lack of concern for people's feelings. This is not always the case but it often is.

Would you agree with this assessment?

There is a difference between them. We are open to a poly relationship, but we aren't necessarily seeking one. Jealousy can occur in either type of relationship...couples that have good communication skills seem to work through those feelings. I think being better equipped to handle the uncomfortable feelings comes with experience.

The advertising for swingers clubs is pretty low key, I know I had to make a conscious effort to see one. Do you have enough business without massive adspace? Does the majority of your business come by word of mouth?

A lot of our business comes from word of mouth, but we reach a lot of new couples online through various social networking sites. It's much easier today than it was 15 years ago when we ran ads in a small swingers magazine that was in the porn shops.

Did this used to be Velvet Curtain? My wife and I used to go to VC for a while.

No - the velvet curtain is still the same, though I think they might have changed locations. Only went once and it was bad.

Colette Dallas used to be called Iniquity

Some people really enjoy VC and some people don't like colette. Swingers clubs have different appeal to different people...just like vanilla clubs and bars. We think it's great that there are a variety of clubs out there and stay away from putting them down.

Would you work with locally organized groups to get discount rates for said group? I.e. Secret Facebook communities with multiple hundred members?

Yes we would and we do. Occasionally someone reaches out to us and asks about group discounts and we always work something out. It's so much fun when big groups of friends come out and party together!

Hi There. How did you become involved in polyamory? It seems to be a difficult subject to approach initially with your partner.......

My definition of polyamory is really about letting love flow where it flows...not restricting myself or my partner from forming a relationship with someone...it is about expanding and growing love. I think the most important thing to remember when discussing an open relationship is communication and working through any fears together. Affirmations also are a great way to build trust with each other. Remember there is no time frame...move at your own pace.

I think this would be most people's biggest fear. Your view is that it is about growing and expanding love, so I think most people would be worried that their partner would develop strong feelings for the "outside" person and leave him/her for said new love. I can see jealousy being a large problem.

When I say growing and expanding love I am talking about inclusion, not replacing someone. This is why talking to your partner is so vital. Sharing those fears will provide the opportunity to affirm your love for each other and the goals you have for the partnership. Fear and anger is really just attachment not getting what it wants. When we learn to love without these negative feelings it brings people together. When we are consumed with these emotions we separate ourselves.

Will you guys be visiting the Dallas location soon? I'd love to meet you and chat about the local groups.

We will probably be there Thursday and Friday.

Have you had and jealous issues with people in your clubs ? And how do you recommend to deal with jealous issues ?

Jealousy has reared its head at the club from time to time. Usually the couple will take those times to call it an evening. The most important thing when jealousy arises is to face it head on. Jealousy is really just fear, so being honest about what that fear is can open the door to some fantastic opportunity for growth within the relationship and within ourselves spiritually.

Did you notice any kind of disconnect between when you discussed sharing before your first time and after it actually happened? Was it shocking? What was it like to actually take the step?

The thing I remember about the first time was that before it took place I was really nervous and unsure about how it would affect our relationship. I grew up in what would be considered a traditional home, so being in a monogamous relationship was just how it was supposed to be. I had always fantasized about trying something like this but of course never ever thought it would materialize. Once my SO and I decided to give it a try I really had to let go of my preconceived ideals and just "give it a try!" And you know what, I was shocked, but not in the way I thought! I was overwhelmed with love for my partner and was surprised by how much the experience had brought us closer! I will always cherish that first time!

Interesting AMA

Just one question to this:

How old were you and our SO when you first tried this?

Well the first time John experienced a threesome he was 18. I on the other hand did not experience a threesome until John and I were a couple, so I was in my late 40's.

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actually we are 50!

Let's talk money: How much you make? What are the logistics of managing swinger clubs?

It provides a roof over our head and food on the table. It is difficult running multiple locations at times. Having good managers is the key.

What is your favorite dinosaur?

My favorite is the Pterosaur. And Jackie's fav is the Hyracotherium.

Isn't it both disgusting and time consuming to clean up after so many people? Is it worth it? Also, do you have rules regarding what kind of sexual interactions are allowed, thinking fetishes and so on?

It can be disgusting...thank god for rubber gloves. It is so worth it when you can see people enjoy themselves. When couples come in shy and nervous and then leave saying things like' I can't believe we waited so long to try this!'...makes it all worth it!

We don't have written rules per se, but we do discourage some fetishes....the messy ones...and the really loud ones...and the ones that involve knife play. There are other clubs that cater to those types of fetishes.

Could you give some info about how to find swingers clubs or people in the lifestyle? My girlfriend and I are in Michigan and want to try it out but have no idea where to begin.

there are many adult social sites for couples and singles where you can meet people on line that are open minded...or you can search for clubs in your area. I suggest searching for "swingers membership sites" and try some of the sites that pop up.

how can I find swingers club in Los Angeles?

When we travel to other cities we search google for swingers clubs. There are sites that are swingers dating sites...they normally list clubs and parties as well.

Thank you very much for what you do! I was raised with swinger parents, so I can appreciate how misunderstood the lifestyle is. Thank your for making sure the clubs are clean, safe, and private places and for answering the (sometimes rude) questions of Reddit.

My question: from your experience, is or easy for new people to be accepted at these clubs, or does it end up being more about established cliques?

Thank you for your words of encouragement! We absolutely welcome new people! When a new couple (or single) arrives we give them a tour of the club, go over the rules and most of the time our "regulars" or lifetime members will take these new members under their wings. Our goal is for everyone to feel welcome and included!

Also I'd like to know why so many people judge and look down on swinging ?

Again, I think it is simply lack of knowledge. People tend to view swinging from a monogamous angle...that swingers cheat because they sleep with someone other then their partner. I believe anytime someone does something outside the norm it creates a fear from those who believe you are not "following the rules" One of the greatest moments in my life was when I decided what worked for me and my life, regardless of what others thought or did...it was incredibly liberating! If I can show through my relationship that love and honesty, trust, communication, and growth are of the up most importance then I have done my job!

Hello! Honestly, I didn't know these clubs existed. How long have you been around with them?

I've been doing this since 1998.

How much $ do you go through a month in cleaning products?

I have no idea. We work hard at keeping the clubs clean. Everyday the club is cleaned, laundry is done. Some of the expense of the cleaning products would be covered by the maid service.

so in reality how difficult is it to really have a good threesome? my wife and I talk about it all the time but we have heard some bad horror stories.

It is probably easier to have a MFM threesome than a FMF...but difficult? I would say no it's not difficult. I have some horror stories when I was single and dating...and I had some great experiences, too! The same goes for 3somes...you may click...you may not. We have put together a video series on that very topic which you can find here...http://coletteclubs.com/threesome/

Have you ever had any run-ins with Westboro Baptist Church?

no

are there ever dudes with small wieners at the club? do they get any action?

there is every size wiener imaginable...and yes they do get action...but not always. there aren't any guarantees...even for the big ones. a good personality and good first impressions come first.

I have noticed that swingers tend to not like kinky people much, at least in my area. Any ideas on why? I am kinky, poly, bi, and open to swinging, but I don't feel like i'd be welcome because I like to flog my girlfriend and husband.

We aren't that way. I am not sure why others feel that way. As long as couples that are into BDSM respect others space in the club it is ok.

Are your clubs also called "key parties?" I am just wondering, back in HS I was told another term for swingers clubs is that.

We don't refer to our clubs as key parties. This was a term used decades ago to describe house parties where keys were placed in a fish bowl and the wives would take a key and couple with the key owner. Our club is really more about providing a safe and private place for couples and singles to experience a wide range of fantasies, whether they consider themselves "swingers" or not.

This is a quick question and probably stupid (Anyone can answer BTW), But i'm having a hard time finding a short answer: The hell is a swinger?

This is the definition from urban dictionary:

Swingers can be couples (married or not) or singles.

They have a sexually free spirit. Couples tend to be in love with each other, and only "share" each other sexually with others. Sometimes this means "swapping wives" sometimes it means "group sex".

Single swingers generally despise the dating process and would rather meet at swinger gatherings where it is acceptable and in some cases expected that sex can/will occur on the spot with whomever they meet and feel attracted to.

Jackie and I don't embrace the term 'swinger'. We believe it's dated and has a connotation of couple swapping. This probably comes from the popular 'key' parties of the 70's. We believe it is much more than that today. A couple that considers themselves to be in the 'swinger lifestyle' might be into anything from just watching or wanting to be watched, to threesomes, or more. Some swingers just like the eroticism of having sex with each other next to another couple. Whatever rules the swinger couple sets for themselves the common denominator is that they are open minded sexually.

Where else do you have clubs? There is only 1 real one where I am at, and prefer to not attend that one. In Texas, BTW?

We have clubs in Dallas and New Orleans and a pool party in Kissimmee, FL.

I've always been curious, what regulations and requirements do you have to obey? Are they different from other (night)clubs or are you classified as a different type of business entirely?

The rules vary depending upon where you are. The rules that govern the sale of alcohol also vary from state to state as do the regulations for operating a night club. For instance in Texas if you allow people to dance you have to apply and pay for a dance hall license every year. If people are dancing and you don't have one you get fined. In Florida and Louisiana dancing is legal without one.

Is that it? Do you just register and apply as a dance hall and get a liquor license or do you have other requirements?

There are many more requirements....fire code, health code, building code etc. It stills varies by state.

What would you say is a major driving force in people who get into the lifestyle?

I am also a part owner in a club ,and from my involvement and getting to know the people I have found that the actual sex isn't really that high on the list its more of the people being accepting and open which allows you to be honest and open

I had many couples and singles answer that the lifestyle is more of a counselling and destressing therapy session

Would you say my assessment is in part correct ?

I would say that there are many reasons and the ones you give are certainly valid ones. We really enjoy the sex during our encounters and then talking about the experience after is a turn on. We have also made some great friends that we've met in the clubs...friends that we've never had sex with. Being around people of like mind is an important part of it for us. and by the way...I just realized my wife answered this question as well...how funny our answers are so similar. No wonder I am so in love with her!

I know from my own personal experience, that even though I and my partner have the option to have sex, the friendships we have manifested through this lifestyle are life long. Being in an environment where such open and honest discussions take place is therapeutic and I have learned a great deal about loving with an open heart.

Which comes first, the mullet or swinging? Trying to establish if correlation/causation. Ty

Also jimmy Buffett.

I've never had a mullett. I had a perm once...my mom made me get one when I was 13. So for me swinging came first. I listen to Fugazi and EDM...not Jimmy Buffet.

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I LOVE IT!! When can you come over?